Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
