That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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