we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
