Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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