when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
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