Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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