If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
please come you make the beer taste better
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
