Swine flu. Run for my life!
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
