I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
