:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She swung at the pinata with crutches
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
