did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
