I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
