I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
