Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
operation have a gay friend backfired
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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