I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
