The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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