Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
