I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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