dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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