Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
