i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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