Moan for me like Helen Keller
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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