a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
