on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
