I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
