I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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