I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
