Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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