I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
