:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
