I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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