Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
