so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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