Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize