everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
