My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
