I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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