i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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