i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Im part way to drunk.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
