soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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