Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
