she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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