Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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