a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
FUCK WHALES
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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