if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
