GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
