I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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