Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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