i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
