I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
