I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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