dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
