I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
