I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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