By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
