All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
