You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
and she was petting her beer can
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
