I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
