is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
