my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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