I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
